sealed in

happiness and sadness

2005-11-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

singapore causes me a roller coaster of emotions...... everything i love and hate in both extremes is here.. and do they hold me close....... the bane of my life - army.... but the colleagues-in-suffering and good friends i've made there... dragonboating, running, stingy and gossipy relatives, friens and family in shanghai, everything.

with great sadness and joy i shall take my leave on the 8th

fare thee well.......

the thoughts dissipate

2005-11-20T12:17:00.000+08:00

and yet i still come out unsatisfied..... perhaps im just too restless or something... need something to do with my time...... maybe i cant just settle down into a routine or do the same single thing every single day..... somehow...... i gotta find something to rejuvenate myself and refresh myself......

jus go la........ wad am i still waiting for

can any man be an island?

2005-11-17T01:16:00.000+08:00

watched about a boy recently and then went in between 2 quarreling couples (each couple was seperate of course) but it had me thinking: could i replicate hugh grant's character for me to be single and alone totally for a long while?? since i have no luck with gals anyway...... hahah realli realli bad luck........ so admist all e tensions and becoming a conversation moderator...... maybe i'll favor the bachelor life.........

but fuck that......... cud never survive being a hermit anyway.........so i guess e search still goes on........ if i actualli go out and actively search in e first place tt is........

the lightbulb

2005-11-03T13:22:00.000+08:00

this is the best way to make yourself feel so very alone among a group of friends......... be the lightbulb. get urself tonnes of beautiful couple frens too while ur at it too....... never made u feel so left out and alone somehow...... deres always that feeling that somehow the absence of ur presence is much much better to the entire picture...... NONONO not that i resent the couples..... after all they (or at least one of the party is) usually one of my very close frens......
it dosent completely ruin your trip (thank god) but somehow u feel something is missing......... and u have the need to just go off and be alone...... since u are already alone in the first place......

oh nevermind.

am i tt gina?????

2005-10-15T15:32:00.000+08:00

met yuan at the australian college fair today....... her mom commented that i looked very gina (young)!!..... lol maybe i'd look older if i let grew a goatee or sth........ guess my boardshorts and berm wid skateshoes wearing days are over........ she thought i hadnt gone thru army yet too.... hahah oh wells.......... and thanx to fat gal yuan for saying that im short oh so loudly....... now i have a reputation......... sighs...... FAT FAT FAT!!!! yuan is FAT lol........ not lyk she see's my blogspot...... oh yea good idea i think i'll go put that on her xanga now.... revenge!
the great journey for 42km per week continues.........

the love and hate of the feet part 2

2005-10-07T11:27:00.000+08:00

my last post had some pple confused...... i dont hate running........ jus the feeling that comes with it..... ur lungs gasping for air..... the sweat flowing from ur head and somehow all being channelled to ur socks (that shud draw a 'yeesh' from the audience).... every part of ur body aching....... i love running.. its how i destress.... take my mind of the day's woes and troubles (probably im too much in pain to think of other things =P)..... its another way we push our limits...... how much milage ur feet can go be4 u drop down...... spent and exhausted..... or the challenge of the distance given in the race to u....... for most of us mortals wid normal lungs jus completing a marathon is an achievement on its own........ was reading about those in the states who competed in ultra marathons - known to reach 1000 mile races over days....... and when u think about it..... wads 42km....... its nuthin...... jus a step.........

and so i will...... take tt 1 step on 4 dec......... in e meantime.... i gotta learn how to walk....... everyday....... 8-10km.... somedays... u just hate it....... 'wtf am i doin on e road wid a stopwatch?? i wanna sleep...' but if i stop.... even just once..... i wudnt think i'll be able to take that step come dec........

love/hate relationship - you and your feet part 1

2005-09-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

lately my passion for running has been looked down upon by other people........ guess its due to its torturous nature.... u gotta have physical stamina to keep up the pace over the long distance and the mental strength to keep goin all the way.... and not just give up or slow down the pace and maybe meet the timing another day..... one friend asked me that all e stamina i train up - whats the point in the end......its lyk okay u got lotsa stamina, SO? another declared it was so fucking boring!!! u dont do anithing else but run run run!! are there different styles of running? those questions kinda shook my foundations for my chosen sport...... wad the fuck am i doin running so far and go for better timings.... kum lan!? (for fuck!?)...... wads more i gotta discipline myself to set aside time to train - wake up early in e morning...... prepare ur stuff to run...... den torture your mind and feet throughout the training........
well i'll stop here for now......... sth to ponder on before i come up wid my full answer....... is all the running really worth the sacrifice of leisure time and social time??

and the feeling of it all......

2005-08-20T00:29:00.000+08:00

macbeth was to ask who cud feel anger, remorse and still keep sanity all at once - no man....... but how about this.... the feeling of relief, euphoria, tinged wid sadness and fond memories and jus a tiny dose of nostalgia all at the same time? its ord-ing ns men..... jus so many memories and happy times wid frens tt u'd onli have found thru the sufferings of the army..... yet ur yearing of freedom and hatred fo the system make you so wanna fucking leave...... its realli a whoe shebang of emotions thrown at you..... pple have been known to be overwhelmed to tears or simply signed of for army life in order to escape this brick wall

but the feeling we all noe wont last very long...... cos next in view is the reality of work, study and onward wid life...... most pple wud say "till our 1st in camp training!!" but im off overseas..... to a new land for a new experience.... its dese rare moments tt make me worried - trying not to lose my army frens..... well i cud forget some of the nasty albiet colorful characters dere.... but those who helped me and supported me..... or jus were my frens...... i'll never forget some of the favors that are exchanged between 2 suffering souls struggling in wheels of change.... thats wad we are.... cogs in the sharp toothed machine.... onward we turn till replaced...

sighs........ dis is my more private blog....... not many of u will see this...... but tts wad i want.... my contemplations and me just talking to my self........ mind and eyes reading wad the fingers tell them.... some passing instances of gut feelings.... others being long term oversights........ jus stored away so one day i may come back and maybe understand wad im goin thru...... its just a mess i tell u.... solace and tranquil....... are my finals goals......

pride: sudden rush of ego to the head. humiliation: sudden rush of ego out ur ass

2005-07-24T19:38:00.000+08:00

we went in so wanting a piece of everyone's ass..... we fell flat on ours. the vball tournament played strictly by beach vball rulez... effectively nerffing royce's spikes and julz's sets..... i was still struggling to get a good bump.... we had prided ourselves in being school players/mvp etc but we forgot: we were on their turf.... playing by their terms, by their rules...... jus glad i haf supportive teammates.... even tho i was e captain..... i was e first to break down...... after every match.... we hung our heads in defeat..... julz and royce kept their hopes up and all but after a while their confidence seemed to wane... not much to expect as we lost match after match after match.... i left be4 our last match... prefering to go for dragon boat training den finishing wad we started.

so will we join another tournament? i havent totally given up yet.... but not just yet.... guess we all need to nurse our sore hides and egoes for a while first.

seasons come and go......

2005-07-16T14:44:00.000+08:00

the tide of frens has come and together as the summer reaches its peak.... some have left alreadi..... some are goin back for summer classes or jus getting a job/internship........ and some have yet to reach these shores...... unfortunately i cant catch all waves of frens who make it over here and stay for however long/short periods of time...... usually they will be busy wid family and closest frens (of which i might/might not be considered of the above category)..... but you know what..... i still lost what once was my closest bunch of frens: my secondary school classmates. i've only managed to recover a fraction of them so far..... e rest have disappeared into memories.... memories of a time when life wasnt all that carefree but hey most of the growing up was done dere.... and they were right there with me.... i could safely say that the biggest changes in my character were in secondary school - ACS(i). even though i had a fucking blast in the american schools.... if it wasnt for the changes in secondary school i think i might not have survived the trials and tribulations of the american high schools.... well..... anihows.... reflection is over..... maybe i'll hunt down my primary sch frens next.

dad and mom

2005-06-24T09:06:00.000+08:00

i noe i've been away from family for 3 yrs wid them visiting every yr or so..... but when i get to meet them i dun really noe wad to say.... dad will ask about the army.... mum will nag at me about wad i do with my free time...... its so predictable but still i enjoy it when i get back to see my family again in shanghai..... heh at least dad's bothered to take me to the driving range to take a few shots..... really hard to get my swing right... but anihows.... mum's jus so protective of me.... think she tries to spoil me on purpose whenever i get back..... not sure if tts a healthy thing to do to me now..... i mean, she lets me use e driver.... lets me go wherever.... buys everything for me and stuff like that..... kinda awkward when that happens..... dad's jus dad.... works and works.... but tts cos e operations in shanghai is so hectic... unlike philippines...... anihows.... sent dad his card..... (which was a week late) he liked it.

the great escape

2005-06-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

i dunno wad im gonna do but im jus gonna get outta it e fastest and stealthiest way i can... starting on fri.... gonna go beach wid julz and royce and whoever.... kick some vball ass... dunno how its gonna be done buy within e next 2 weeks im outta it..... so gone

2005-05-02T12:35:00.000+08:00

swimming in the sea gives u a strange sensation.... u float so easily... everytime ur tired jus stop swimming and ur body naturally floats...... the waves and current push u either towards shore or away from it..... either way when u swim laps one way will be easier to swim.... simming in e sea allows one to glide effortlessly thru e water... occasionally if it gets choppy jus time ur strokes wid e waves to make the lap easier.... as u swim u feel the warm and cold currents colliding onto u... giving u alternate feelings of warmth and coldness..... interesting feel......
we're frens yes.... yet i still covet.... y.... i do not know..... she looks so good..... she says she's haggard but not realli.... still looks realli good.... killer bikini.... guess she didnt wanna take off her board shorts since dere were too many of us arnd.... we went into e bay to soak up some sun and in e water.... as she basked i cudnt help but notice the details of her.... nice bod... firm upper... slightly big legs and butt but u noe wad she looks so good nonetheless....
the song feelings by offspring plays in my head now.... sighs

cause for trouble

2005-05-02T12:14:00.000+08:00

rich/poor/chopsuey!

2005-04-24T01:14:00.000+08:00

i think i found my rich dad and rich mom..... jus hope my other dad aint gonna become poor dad..... maybe its time i showed them something..... and i think im overgearing.... my parents used to tell me that i only got so many hrs in a day.... jus cant do everything at once.... if ur working on a full schedule... when u take on something new....sth's gotta give.... problem is: what?

yet again

2005-03-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

and again i choose to fall.... into my miseries of old.... can never escape it.... how many times will i fall... so indeed i happily sink into my sorrows.... makes sense? never does.... never will.... =P will keep hoping its not doomed to jus a fateful night and jus a one time thing.... gotta push.... keep going.... despite all e agony it will pile on me..... yes.... i'll go.

251 days to ord

2005-03-25T10:01:00.000+08:00

damn. - 35 more weeks... me bein optimistic, 31if i keep my leave in check which aint likely if i go back to visit my parents in shanghai.... got 23 days leave left..........but hey....gotta be happy wid wad we have...

equivocation

2005-03-17T11:02:00.000+08:00

equivocation - the use of more than one definition of a word or phrase so that a faulty conclusion is reached. This includes using a definition of a word in a quotation that is not the definite that the author intended. in other words, bullshitting ur way thru wadever shit you've gotten urself into..... a short look at my day:

every morning - equivocating i can wake up 15mins later and still make it in time to conduct lessons for my trainees
during e day - spend 3 hrs sleeping den equivocating that i was tired e night be4 due to my gym workouts/ colleagues being noisy and hence not getting enough quality sleep
lunchtime - eating instant noodles in bunk and equivocating that i didnt have enough time to spare to change and go cookhouse to eat
dinnertime - spend 2 hrs watching naruto in e company office den skipping dinner because i felt so guilty about the afternoon
bedtime - supposed to be working but either watching more naruto and gym workouts or playing xbox/playstation 2 den equivocating it to having a realli hard day

im an equivocator - all bullshit, NO SHIT!

future outlook

2005-02-20T12:22:00.000+08:00

today i am in the army.... fast forward 1 yr and i start freshman yr in melbourne university... fast forward 4 yrs i will be in out in the work force.... anybody thought that far yet.... tts a good 5 yrs ahead.... god i will be wad 25 turning 26..... to many pple yea still young... but somehow i feel wow tts many yrs and its only a few more till i hit 3-0..... den i think.... so im gonna be working everyday (save sunday and maybe saturdays) year round.... and work and work and work and work till i retire?wow... sounds lyk im set for life.... working for gawd knows what and for who.... is dere a way out of this.... somehow working for 20-40 yrs of ur life away dosent appeal to me..... realli if dere is a way outta dis please tell me.... so far we only hear of pple who have managed to retire early or strike big ...... how do they do it?? maybe its a big dream.... a far fetched crazy dream... but i guess if i ever had a dream... its not a big house... fast car or whatever shyt.... i guess its to retire early..... yea.... finally figured out what i want in life..... freedom..... not needing to work young.......
kk..... focus now...... wad to do

abstaining from being a virgin

2005-02-13T20:16:00.000+08:00

i noe i come from a place where casual sex and premarital sex is normal and nobody blinks when u even say "oh i and her did a lil' somethin' somethin' ya noe... " usually e guys (and some close gal pals too) will give u a pat on the back and congratulate u.... of course if u openly declared it and boasted about it u'd get ridiculed for something so trivial and probably lose ur gal too.... 1 night stands? fuck buddies? sex as recreation? y not? no strings attached and mutual fun..... however over here... i still feel a little apprehensive somehow telling other pple about my experience... when i was in aslc pple treated it as if it were forbidden fruit..... a nice juicy tale yet if chance presented itself they would probably chicken out.... and yesterday they were promoting abstinence and not having sex till marriage...... wonder if pple who arent virgins still donn e bands and vow they wouldnt do it again till marriage.... hyprocrisy?
and how about those who proudly wear the bands.... are they so naive? so repressive of their inner selves? or are they ignorantly advertising the fact that they simply cant get attached/laid/hitched? couples wearing it? failure to get aroused? maybe in a little need of viagra? i dont understand... thank the lord i wasnt around in town when they went around asking...
and now i've made my stand... so will be ostrasized and treated like a murderer? will pple now go around branding those who are single and havent fucked be4 and those who have? maybe we could have lyk fucka-meters.... e more sex we've had be4 marriage... e higher e ratings? y high ratings? at least when u try that person u noe he has more experience wad.....

everywhere yet nowhere...

2005-01-28T18:51:00.000+08:00

i take dis quote from a frens site:

"What is unique about Third Culture Kids? These mobile children are known as TCKs because they integrate elements of those cultures where they live with their own birth culture into a third, different and distinct, culture (Eakin, 1998; Useem, 1999). Because TCKs have developed a unique culture of their own that incorporates elements of varied cultures, they often feel more at home with other TCKs, with no regard for nationality, rather than those of the passport culture (Storti, 1997). Roa (1995) explains that many TCKs experience cultural marginality in which they do not fit perfectly into any specific culture where they have lived, but on the other hand, fit comfortably on the edge or margin of any one of them. In essence, they feel at home anywhere and nowhere at the same time. TCKs who feel at home anywhere may exhibit constructive marginality in which they feel different from others, but are able to use their differences constructively (Schaetti, 1996). Those who experience encapsulated marginality have a feeling of being trapped or encapsulated by their sense of being different. Therefore, they may feel at home nowhere and might have a sense of falling off the edge of the cultural mainstream (Schaetti, 1996)."

third culture kids: returning to their passport country -http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/rsrcs/pubs/4597.htm

one may think that we belong nowhere.... since we are a mongrel of cultures..... we do not stick to the practices of 1 particular culture but rather take those that we think apply to us better and follow a mixture of them.... but i disagree... i think we are more adaptive to other cultures becos we are used to being in 2 or more worlds..... we are less likely to be affected by culture shock than those exposed to a new environment for a first time.... in my personal opinion i sometimes welcome the change of environment.... its lyk moving house... but on a bigger scale..... of course there are compromises... my social circle of friends in each contry is smaller..... most of my friends are in different countries....... and yes we do not completely immerse ourselves in the culture of that particular country because we mostly interact with other pple who are like us.. well travelled and expatriates... maybe you could consider us of another class compared to the locals..... but as far as possible i try not to think of myself as a higher caste to the others. no... that would be to aristocratic...

so there we are.... people who haf taken e less travelled path... experienced more sights and sounds...... we may not belong anywhere but we strive to adapt EVERYWHERE.... the place we belong to can be summed up by the collection of places we've been in... u may say, " there is no place like home", but wad happens if anywhere could be called home den?

roller coaster

2005-01-22T09:44:00.000+08:00

such is human emotion...... to experience exhilaration and euphoria at 1 moment; e next, become to utterly depressed and in total agony.... maybe its jus me and some other emotional pple who experience e 2 extremes of these feelings more often than others.... i find myself reaching states of high doing certain things - bungee jumping, charging down dirt hills on my mountain bike.... band concerts tt rock.... and equally often i jus fall.... down and down.... states of depression tt hit rock bottom and den u dig another 30 feet down from there..... from the simplest things..... frens last minute cancelling appointments, getting scolded by superiors, recruits doin certain things.... even failing to find things to do on weekends will propel me into these depths.... i dunno if its normal to be lyk goin thru lyk a few highs and lows every single day..... i find it very draining to switch between emotional extremes so many times.... jus so..... wierd..... in light of this..... guess e onli thing tt brings my emotional levels.. or issit hormone levels to stable levels is to go exercise.... hitting e weights room or goin for run...... not jus strengthens... also calms e mind..... maybe its cos i havent been exercising due to training im in emotional turmoil...... maybe....

a change of mindset?

2005-01-09T10:22:00.000+08:00

my outlook of army was always negative becos of well..... i think u guys know mydisposition towards my mandatory service.... so when i went into the wing i wasjus dis dude looking for e easiest way out jus keep a low profile and avoidwadever tt needs to be done.... but as the training went on.... all the regularsthat came for training r realli motivated and working so hard for everythingfrom missions to jus normal training in e barrack area... kinda makes me feelguilty about hating e army... i mean here r some guys who realli wanna make adifference... was realli impressed... dun think will ever see that kind ofattitude at my workplace... BMT is slack.... but its battle field when it comesto politics... guess pple haf time to sit down and think about how to stirtrouble in others lifes dere.... my training wing may be busy as shit and tiringas well but everyone jus stands tall and sticks together... at after actionreviews pple r actualli interested in making future missions better and moreimproved... guess if anything at all its a real eye opener..... and yea changedmy mind... i haf no regret coming here...

"All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by frost." - lord of the rings

2005-01-02T10:26:00.000+08:00

me xiao hui janice and selene ed's classmates from nyjc

2005-01-02T10:25:00.003+08:00

toast to new yr!

2005-01-02T10:25:00.002+08:00

me and blues lookin pretty happy...

2005-01-02T10:25:00.001+08:00

weng and ed... started drinking alreadi?

2005-01-02T10:25:00.000+08:00

me a bottle of port and edwin champagne for new yr!

2005-01-02T10:24:00.000+08:00

at weng's house for new yr countdown - seen here from left blues, host and my ex mate from ac edwin

2004-12-31T11:46:00.001+08:00

boxing day wid julz christine and celeste... holland v

2004-12-31T11:46:00.000+08:00

met jess from cornell wid julz... shanghai peeps

2004-12-31T11:45:00.000+08:00

3 stooges at a stayover at matt's for xmas

elusive ends

2004-12-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

saw her in my dream..... for that period of stasis i was with my ideal companion.... i was on a cosy couch and she was sitting on my lap.... her head against mine..... the nape of her neck was so.... smooth... and e smell of her combined with her fragrance was jus magic..... i put my hands against her waist and never felt more at peace..... 'finally, i found her'.... my brain seemed to say....
all my other senses agreed.... it wasnt a moment of lust or anything..... only
tranquility..... for some reason... that statement seemed to run forever in my
mind.... i even remember her dress.... white dress wid red polka dots....

as suddenly as the dream came.... it vanished.... i was rudely awoken by jeremy, my new colleague at work to go take the guys for breakfast. as i walked down the hall to e communal toilet the statement still ran in my mind.... that
perfect girl and companion..... if only i remembered her face.... feelings of
tranquility dissolved into the chaos and anger at the workplace.... but even as
i commanded my slovenly recruits... my mind raced to piece back the temporarily
forgotten dream together.... trying so desperately to get back to that state
which was so serene.... warm... gentle... as of now... only a piece of that
image remains.... that elusive faceless soul mate of mine.....

and so my dream continues... i only pray my journey will end wid a companion of my own beside me.

"one of nerves and steel has its mind concluded; the other of flesh and faith is the
more deluded" - Monument of Sin to Master Chief and Arbiter, Halo 2

2004-12-26T08:42:00.000+08:00

igors!

feasting on festering festivity fallacies

2004-12-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

tis e season to be joyous.... and to take a break from the usual agonies that plague me i shall write something more cheery and nice.... happy? for most singaporeans (and other pple in other countries for that matter) xmas is e time where we spend time together wid the family... sorta lyk chinese new yr..... remember those movies which involve xmas... e whole family is back and presumably waiting for santa to plop down e chimney to give dad his dream tee off driver, mom's all in one microwave oven, and the kids latest game consoles... however for a select few of us.... our families arent arnd..... they're overseas workin.... yep jus those select few of us.... so on dis festive day we onli got 1 way to spend it - with fellow "abandoned" frens...... yep managed to go out with them... namely my ex classmate from shanghai.... a strange fate we share.... 2 lost soul hailing from a small country shud end up wid parents working in e same province in e same country and studying in e same school.... and when upon graduation conscripted into the army....

i guess the lesson we all learn from this (namely me) is that we shud cherish all friendships that u come across.... for me.... its e only way i can get by.....

changing lanes

2004-12-18T13:46:00.000+08:00

what does one do when he is taken from a carefree, fun life and then thrown into a boiling pot of deceit, facade, propaganda and conscription? he puts on a fake smile, tells all foreigners that he indeed has opened his eyes to a different world, learnt many wonderful lessons in leadership, responsibility, honor and what it really takes to be a real man. behind the smile however, lies the entrapped soul, watching his own body ripped to shreds by the bereaucracy, tormented by lies and abusive authority. he hates the system, yet forced to serve them.... and then, he is made one of them.... in a position of power and given tasks to decieve and maintain the grand charade. now, he's about to rise in rank and given a bigger part in the masquarade. like puppets with face masks he chooses to put smiling ones in front of his masters.... and snarling ones in front of his trainees. it is only in the confines of the office and bunk when others come to see the jaded face behind those masks.... even so.... he still puts on yet another smiling, jovial mask so as to make the place more.... happy.... and so from the slow lane of a recruit he has risen to a 2nd lane of being a junior section commander and now is changing to one of the express lanes of a senior platoon sergant.... as u drive by... u then turn and look away from the roads for a while and see the green grass on the side.... den u wonder: when will u go back to being that once carefree and happy person.....

to all those reading my blogs... be it xanga or blogspot.... u might be thinking.... wad da fuck's up wid u man? ur always so fucking depressed on ur blogs..... cant u be happier.... or i always thought u were the happy go lucky kind... y suddenly so sad.... u see guys...... i shelved all my sorrows and anguish in my mind..... dis is my only place to throw them out.... if u wanna see me more happy and jovial..... look for me in person.... tts all e joy i have being thrown arnd

"...and so u will risk the dungeons of Moria? U know what lies benath the mines; what the dwarfs awakened in the fiery depths of Moria....." - Saruman, Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring

winds of change

2004-12-03T10:22:00.000+08:00

watched another batch of recruits pass out.... wondering if im gonna jus pass out from the workload i face be4 me..... and also still gazing longingly into the distance when i will pass out...... realli time can sometimes seem to fly pass you...... even tho the going and coming of batches of recruits is supposed to be a routine thing.... yet machinery to train them change as quickly as them... training programs "new and improved".... longer basic military training phase..... and incoming new and old instructors.... and some of the not so new instructors assuming higher command and take on leadership roles among the others..... yes like a mahjong game the dice has been passed once round the table and the wind taken a new direction... even the players change... yet the game is still e same.... waiting for a passport to 'gao'(win)...... sometimes i wonder if i can properly assume a platoon sergant position... all the doubts still hang in my mind.... wad to do so and so event... wad stores to prepare.... how to take care of recruits.... not sure if i can answer all e stuff the new guys haf to ask me..... even tho i went thru 1.5 batches..... somehow i seemed to be doin everything "men mode" as to say, i jus followed orders and didnt realli absorb how all the shyt was conducted and everything that had to be done in order to conduct that particular lesson for recruits.... well cant realli force me im onli a fast learner when im interested.... trying to act as if im all patriotic and loyal and garang abt army in front of recruits all e time..... its pressure in my mind building up lyk volcano.... i fear... be4 all this is over.... it will blow and i dont know how many (including myself) i will hurt

"i know wad u ask of me Frodo baggins...... for it has been a shadow in my mind..... u offer it to me freely....."
- Galadriel, lady of the wood, Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring

the homecoming

2004-11-15T23:58:00.000+08:00

and so it came to pass that the boy both homesick and sick of the grit he was being dragged through week after week that he managed to secure enough days off so he could finally go home.... after a rushed book out with his recruits he rushed home even faster to pack his stuff and go to the airport.... he finally reunited with his family after a 5 hr long flight.... it was good to be back... one realises that living on your own and with family are totally different worlds.... not used to having people deciding wad to do when u made all e descisions and did everything on your own.... it was haven.... a driver, a maid, personal gym with indoor swimming pool and friendly staff that remembered you even though one had been gone so long (and got darker and slimmer in e process). took a slight perverse pleasure at being nagged at, fussed over and having things all done for you. even the weather was good... daytime between 10-20 degrees celsius and nighttime goin to around 5. he met his highschool teachers again and talked about the past... it was nice to see them again. shopping was great too... it was like a dream... one that he had lived in oh so long ago....

and jus as one passes into a dream... one will awaken jus as quickly... the boy remembers jus a few hrs ago bidding his mom goodbye and boarding the inbound flight back to singapore.... back to his 2nd home... back to work.... back to reality... and as he watches the flaps extend for landing in the backdrop of the singapore cityskyline... he recalls the aftertaste of his short weekend with his family... his home...

-"the mirror reavels all things that were, things that are... and some things that may, but have not yet come to pass...." Galadriel, Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring

spin cycle

2004-11-10T13:56:00.000+08:00

when u go thru mandatory service... u meet pple at various stages in their service liability... some have jus entered.... some serving at their vocation, some still undergoin training and some who are about to leave e service. it is a never ending cycle of fresh civillian enlistees coming in and old seasoned veterans leaving... this applies especially to bmtc (basic military training centre).... as an instructor i find the cycle both something i can relate to and maybe a bit sad... first and foremost this cycle of pple comin and going is a big part of reality... u get frens and u lose them.... e same applies to the assholes who constantly give u sth to rave and destroy furniture abt.... but i guess i find this revelation sth i can really relate to cos i come from an international school..... education in transit u cud say.... e average length of time pple stay in tt school is onli abt 2-3 yrs be4 they move to another country.... some even jus stay around for lyk 6 mths.... so, with droves of pple coming in and goin out... u gotta get used to being able to say goodbye and making new frens every yr or semester.... hehs.... more often or not ur best frens jus drop in on u and throw u a big surprise " im goin to chicago next yr!!" or "sorri mate my next sem is gonna be spent in kenya... parents new posting"... yep.... where i studied... u felt more lyk u were in an air transit lounge with a bunch of other pple...... so.... when pple come up to me and say " my time is up" or "5 weeks left!" i merely congratulate them and ask them abt wad their next move is..... hahah and laugh at their answers... funny how easily u can get stuck in a routine life and when u come out.... u dunno wad to do next..... guess when ur used to living in a constantly moving environment u tend to come up wid plans for ur next move cos u noe ur definately not staying in one place for too long.... so to those gonna leave the spin cycle of military life into civillian life... i wish u good luck and hope u've planned ahead... to those entering the spin cycle..... dun take this too hard... use it to plan ur next move... yep.... this comes from some on halfway thru e wash... finished wid e rinse and wash... goin thru the spinning now.

the imprisoned soul

2004-10-30T10:40:00.000+08:00

the boy always wanted freedom and independence..... naturally all people do..... while he was at home, or in school, he'd think "wad the fuck am i doing
down here... im not realli in control of my life here..... i dun haf a choice in
wad subjects to study..... wad i do at home is also dictated.... so's wad i do
in school..... even my eca is more or less dictated by my parents..... "
and so for his next 16 yrs of his life he spent most of his time doin wad he was
told to do...... never even stopping to think about wad he was doing... after
all e pace of life was so hectic.... morning wake up... go school... afternoon
come home do homework and tuition... den evening a bit of rest be4 tuition
homework/revision... den sleep... den it all starts all over again... e onli
time to take a breather was during sat afternoons and sundays..... sat mornings
were taken up by eca..... he spent sundays either playing some sports or jus
staying at home..... sometimes play soccer wid other people in e
neighborhood.... and all of them were stuck in e same old cycle..... but den
came high school.... well it was a little more free...... cheaper drinks......
easy entry into da clubs..... lots of underage smoking.... and i dont mean jus
cigarettes alone..... and the boy felt happier..... well maybe it was alcohol or
smoke induced but still happier.... he had no idea wad was to come tho.....

and
jus as fast as he entered high school.... it ended..... he graduated.....
exchanged hearty slaps and well wishes wid e other guys and hugs and kisses
goodbye wid e gals..... den he went on to his next phase in life.... the
army..... it was lyk stepping thru a portal.... into hell.... he finally learnt
e true meaning of imprisonment.... rules, stiff and unbending..... a hierachy tt
seeks to antagonise and torment its subordinates and finally...... destroying
any sense of freedom........

and
so the boy.... missing e good ole days of high school..... waits for his turn to
get out of e dungeon..... patiently.... he prepares his wings...... and keeps
his eyes on e door........

the jailer

2004-10-24T18:26:00.000+08:00

You make me come

You make me complete

You make me completely miserable

Stuck to a chair

Watchin' this story about me

Everything goes by so fast

Making my head spin

Used up all of my friends

Who needs them when you mean everything

I love the things that we should fear

I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same

It makes me helpless alone

Nothing to share

Why should I care if your near me

Give up all of my plans

But who needs them

When you mean everthing

I love the things that we should fear

I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same

You make me helpless alone

Yeah, yeah..You make me come

Yeah, yeah..You make me complete

Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable

I love the things that we should fear

I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same

It makes me helpless alone

You make me come

You make me complete

You make me completely miserable

Yeah, yeah..You make me come

Yeah, yeah..You make me complete

Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable

-Lit, miserable

yes...... she keeps me locked up and pining away......
will somebody take me away?......... whenever i get to see her again.... my
heart lightens up.... but something still keeps me back.... i dunno wad it
is..... lyk invisible chains holding me in place...... e chains..... feelings
and emotions for her.... they restrain, strangle, aphyxiate..... it is a slow
death i suffer..... then come the devices of pain..... desire, lust and longing
etch and carve deep scars into my mind..... i flinch in pain as the blows rain
down on me..... sending my mind into the depths of suffering and agony.... i
want to lash out at the tormentor..... but she's too beautiful to touch....
instead i store up my rage from black hatred to white fury...... waiting for an
available avenue to unleash it all.......

(next episode: e imprisoned soul)

in the beginning

2004-10-18T11:20:00.000+08:00

today i start a blogspot blog....... maybe its cos im fuckin bored on a monday when everyone is in camp and im on off..... but hey a day not spent in camp is meant to be a happy day.... jus gotta figure out wad to do wid it tho....... oh yea can start scanning those photos i borrowed from julz e other time...... sighs i tried to meet her today but it failed miserably.... direct quote:" hey xxx here, lift my hp in dad's car. anyway im realli sorri! i forgot tt i got a meeting today! cant meet u.... realli didnt mean it :( " hey comon dis is lyk e umteenth time u've sed no to me and fuck its e 3rd time u've cancelled on me last min.... u didnt mean it? statistically its impossible.... if u dun wan den say la fark....... as usual im left fustrated and depressed.... but i miss her.... its gotta be her again.... onli she can lyk play me out and toy my feelings.... but i lyk her too much..... she called me and apologised.... i dunno i jus give in in e end..... im hopeless